I can't remember a time I have ever cried so much in public. Prior to this, I had never allowed myself to miss someone who was still there, still breathing. With your arms wrapped around me, you said I'll Miss You and Please Don't Cry and I thought how cliche this all seemed and how we could have easily been mistaken for two awful actors in an equally awful movie. I indulged in the steady rise and fall of your chest, burying my tears in the hideaway nook of your neck.
You kissed me and said the reason we were so sad now was because together we were so happy. You kissed me and told me that sometimes you have to be sad. I can't remember a time I have ever cried so much while kissing.
I cried for all the mornings waking up next to you I would miss. I cried because there was a moment, just before we fell asleep, where you allowed me to be happy with myself. I cried because you were looking at me and I choked on all the things I couldn't tell you.
Like I'll Miss You Terribly.
Like Please, Don't Go, Please.
Like You Mean Too Much To Me Now.
But the sadness of your eyes and the quiver of your lip helped sew my mouth shut. Because we are Friends and Friends don't make things worse for one another. I forced myself to laugh and said this goodbye couldn't last forever. You laughed because we are always saying goodbye to each other and that is our consequence.
Even now I know that I will never ever have the audacity I need to say what needs to be said, because affection is wordless and so am I.
Happy Valentines day, P.T