OF ALL MY (DIRTY) SECRETS: PART 2

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If there were any regrets I might live with, these would be some of them.

All The Kisses Macy Didn't Have (And Probably Will Never Get To Have):

1. I was either fifteen or sixteen and it was at a friend's birthday sleepover. She had invited her close lesbian friend who I didn't know too well. Before the girl arrived, my friend said, "Macy, she has a huge crush on you. I know you've never met her, but she saw a photo of you and she thinks you're really hot..". I wasn't sure how to reply, so I kept my mouth shut and awkwardly sat on the bed in my ugly pajamas hoping the girl would never turn up. She did eventually arrive and her name began with R. At the time, I had mixed feelings about kissing another girl and her assertiveness made me nervous. I can admit now that I regret not having kissed her. It probably would've been good too.

2. The first time I got slightly drunk, I was stumbling around Regensburg in Germany with my host sister, her friends, and a friend of mine who had come to visit for my birthday. We came across a guy and his friend and we yelled out to them in drunken German. I can't recall what the hell it was we yelled and I'm 100% sure that we didn't pronounce any of the words correctly, but I remember one of them laughing and waving at us before disappearing into the night. A week later, I was walking around one of the malls in search of presents when I catch a guy staring at me really strangely. He waved at me and I suddenly realized it was one of the guys I had been yelling at in terrible German. I'm not sure why, but I got really embarrassed and ran off into a different store. I wish I had kissed him, mostly because I think it would have been a really funny story to tell later on.

3. My year 12 Biology teacher for whom I had the biggest crush on. But he was basically married, so I guess that one was out of the question.

4. I was seventeen and he was an exchange student from Germany. Before I even knew his name, my host sister told me about "this funny guy" who made her "laugh for no reason" and she told me she wanted to see if he could make me laugh too. The first time I met him, we were at a rugby game. All of the exchange students were in one big group and I felt like this weird outsider who didn't belong there, but he smiled at me and introduced himself. I remember thinking he seemed really cool and really confident and he did make me laugh, which was nice. There were many times I wanted to kiss him or even just tell him I liked him a lot, but I can be quite shy when it comes to things like these, so I never did. Out of all the kisses I never had, this is the one I regret not having had the most. We're still friends now though, and I remember how he used to tease me about the way I couldn't pronounce "knödel" properly.

5. His name began with M. We were on a crowded bus and I became overwhelmed by a sudden shyness, because the gaps between the seats would have let the old couple sitting behind us watch what might have happened if I had decided not to give a shit and lean in closer.

6. The first time I met him, I was brushing my teeth and we made eye contact and I remember thinking it was awkward because neither of us said anything (I mean, I was brushing my teeth so it's not like I could). I was wearing my pjs and had makeup on from the night before. I didn't get to know him properly until a month after that first encounter. At one stage, I had a dream we kissed and woke up freaking out because I thought it had actually happened and it should never ever happen ever.

7. Her name began with P and I was really angry when I first met her. I wasn't mad with her, but rather with someone else who had done something really fucking stupid. I imagine it was not the best first impression I have ever made. She told me not to get mad because the person I was mad with wasn't worth it. She hugged me even though I was a complete stranger and she brushed my hair behind my ear (how cliché) and laughed because at least I wasn't crying and at least my make up was still in place. This made me laugh and I hugged her back, said thank you, and left.

8. Some guy I met at one of the first university parties I ever went to. His name started with M (I sense there's a pattern going on here...) and we ended up ditching the party and going into his room to watch a movie about UK violence. I stayed the night and he said, "I want to kiss you, but I won't. You're so innocent." I don't know what to make of that.

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