Before you read any further, I would like to address the fact that I am on my third glass of wine to help get myself into a state of pleasant drunkenness in order to get my creative juices flowing (so to speak) and better illustrate the following points on why someone like you shouldn't date someone like me. Also, I swear I don't do this often, but the red wine was sitting in the fridge by itself and was literally calling my name and I didn't have the heart to say no. Oh, and if my parents are reading this... HI! Please continue to love me, despite my life choices. Cool, thanks.
Reasons Why You Shouldn't Date Me:
1. If you haven't read this, then read this.
2. 95% of the time, I will refuse to have morning sex with you. Because I hate morning sex. You're lazy, I'm sleepy, it's gross, don't touch me.
3. I will continue to talk about a problem until it is resolved. And I mean, I will talk about it constantly, so if you think you've escaped our serious discussion, think again. I will bring it up the second you get home.
4. That being said, I am also extremely stubborn and I hate to lose. You can see why this may pose as a problem.
5. Despite popular belief, I have some crippling self-esteem/self-image issues that will punch you in the face and leave you sore the next day. I will try my hardest not to project these onto you, but no promises. They will get the better of you and I, some days. I'm working on it, I swear.
6. If you didn't pick Bulbasaur as your starter Pokemon, then get the fuck out. I am judging you harshly.
7. I am a loud person and, even when I try, I have next to no volume control. This basically means that people will hear us having an argument (whether or not this is in public is your choice) and/or hear us having sex (whether or not this is in public is, however, my choice).
8. If you have somewhere to be in the morning, I will do everything in my power to make you stay in bed a little bit longer (and therefore make you late) and if you want to sleep in, I will do everything in my power to make you get up and do something. There is no real logic behind this and I will not apologize for my behavior.
9. No matter how much you may love and care for me, I will always think you don't. I basically think I am unworthy of you. Like I said, self-esteem issues, man. Sorry.
10. My mother will expect you to drive her everywhere, even though she is more than capable of doing so herself. You're her taxi and I have no control over this. Again, I am sorry.
11. I will write about you. It will be publicized. Be careful.
12. I have a disease which results in chronic pain and sometimes I will not be able to get out of bed because of it. I will expect you to bring me cheesecake when this happens.
13. No matter how much I love you, my sister will always come first. If you say anything bad about her, I will not hesitate to punch your ballsack so hard that you choke on them. Think about that for a second.
14. I do this weird thing with my legs when I sleep. I can't explain it, but I've been told it's weird and distracting. Woops.
15. If you don't like the song I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing by Aerosmith, then I pretty much hate you already and I don't want to date you. We can't even be friends.
16. If you're a cat person, I am judging you harshly.
17. If your bestfriend is a girl, I will constantly think that you're secretly in love with her no matter what you say. This may or may not go as far as me having nightmares about you running off and getting married to her on our (possible) wedding day. I will, however, still love her because she's your bestfriend and I respect that.
18. I cry in the shower for no reason, sometimes. I will also cry during movies, if someone shows me a sad photo, if I read a sad story, if I think you hate me, etc. But sometimes I cry a lot when I'm happy too, so there's that.
19. If you don't like bears, get the fuck out of my face. I hate you, I really hate you.
20. I have an intense fear of midgets and I will refuse to face this fear until the day I die.
So, yeah, 20 legit reasons why someone like you definitely should not date someone like me. There are literally a thousand more reasons why someone shouldn't date me, but who even has time for that? No one, that's who. Also, I am kind of drunk now. Classy as always.