You want me subtly, you want me sometimes. You want me, Maybe.
I say Sorry when I should be saying Goodbye, because I am too polite to tell you that your Maybe isn't enough to anchor the fist in my heart, and walking away is easier than waking up to this burdened freedom you've given me. Don't kiss me, I beg. Hold me down and make me bite my lip, I want to stay a while longer. Let me run my fingers through your hair and trace the outline of your frame with my own, but do not let me leave. I need to be wanted to the point of suffocation and if in my presence you can breathe, then in my absence you can too. But this is not enough to make me stay, because the wild that lurks beneath my skin aches to be thirsted for without reservation. It needs to be the fever in your sleep and the choking in your thoughts. It needs to be the quiet unrest.
So hand me over, let me slip through your fingers, watch as I fall into the embrace of someone who screamed for me louder than you ever did. It pains me to have to leave, but have to leave, I do. Because your laugh still sits in the centre of my chest and the longer I hold onto it, the harder it is to walk away. It weighs me down and makes me drag my feet. I had hoped you wouldn't have given me up so easily, that things would have ended differently between us, but it is what it is and it was what it was. Drink until you drown the memories of me in your bed, smoke until your lungs can't contain my name, and maybe if you concentrate hard enough you won't feel it anymore. We all do what we must, sometimes.
I pray that I will forget your face and the sound of your voice when I close my eyes as he pulls me closer. How cruel it would be to think of someone else while in the arms of another. The thought burns holes on the tip of my tongue and I am aware that this is not what intimacy is. Will he hear me sigh your name in my sleep? And will he taste you on my lips? I toss and turn in an empty bed, because filling it with strangers makes no difference to my cold, dejected exterior.
All I want is this. And you. All I want is you.
I miss you exorbitantly. I would give many things to be able to go back to that morning, minute after minute, to watch you smile in your half-sleep. I wonder what you were smiling about. I'd relive that moment lifetime after lifetime if it was the only version of you I was allowed. I would ruin the rest of my day, I would ruin the rest of my life, just to watch the corners of your mouth perk up again and again and again.
And if you had let me, I swear I would have loved you. I would have made you laugh and I would have been polite. I would have drawn you pictures and written you poems. I would have let you tickle my toes until I cried and let you watch me undress in the half-moonlight of your bedroom. I would have pushed your head back into dreams and reassured you that sleeping a while longer is okay because you are important and you are busy and I would like to stare at you uninterrupted for a moment more. I would have liked all your friends, liked all your family, learned to like all the things that you love. I would have been safe and clean and malleable. I wouldn't take photographs of you if you felt ugly and I would have kissed you till your lips were raw. I would have loved everything there is to you and kept your worries dear to me. I would have been there if you wanted; but you didn't and you don't, so I have to go. This is my Goodbye.
Say adieu! adieu! to the love I would have given.