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Last night I bumped into my ex.

This has never been a problem for me before, as I've prided myself in always having clean, friendly break ups. However, there's this one guy, this one guy, who totally screwed me over and, yes, that makes me sound like a bitter person, but I have no reason to try and make this out to be anything other than what it was so, yeah, this guy was the most assholely dick-fucker fuckface I've ever had the displeasure of having to put up with. It was a messy break up and I made the decision to never speak to this human being ever again. I simply did not want or need that kind of influence in my life anymore, so I cut him off. Completely.

And then last night happened. I was coerced into going out clubbing with my friends one last time (ugh, clubbing) and, as fate would have it, there he was in all his dickshit glory. My final night out in Christchurch and this is what happens. Funny, isn't it?

Appropriate Reactions To Bumping Into Your (Asshole) Ex:

1. Feel nothing (Or Feel Everything).
Spend the next few minutes wondering why you feel nothing (or everything). With everything said and done, this was a human being that I had shared two and a half years worth of experiences with and to look at him and see him as nothing more than a milestone in my life is really, really strange. Following our messy break up, there were months where the very possibility of bumping into him would've sent me into a pit of anxiety and self-loathing, but now? Now there's nothing.

2. Give them a once over.
Because, let's face it, you want to make sure they don't look better now than when you were dating them. There's nothing more annoying than an ex looking really fucking good after you break up with them. In my case, The Ex looked significantly shorter than I remember him being, and maybe a little chubbier around the sides. Then again, that could've been a case of me seeing what I wanted to see (but let's totally just agree that he looked like shit, yeah?).

3. Vomit in your mouth a little bit (or a lot).
This is, of course, after you give them the once over. If they looked better than you remember, then feel free to vomit a lot in your mouth because life is unfair and the world is against you. If they looked worse, then vomit in your mouth a little because, oh my god, you can't believe you had sex with that thing.

4. Buy a drink.
You deserve one. And I'll be damned if vodka doesn't taste amazing with self-reflection.

5. Contemplate approaching your ex.
This can be for a multitude of reasons (and none of these reasons are good enough. Don't do it!):
a) there are things left unsaid between you two that you desperately need to get out
b) to hurl abuse at them
c) to start a normal conversation with them (ha. Haha. HAHAHA. As if.)
d) to brag about how amazing your life is now and rub it in their face

6. Get slightly drunk and reflect on your life post-relationship.
Realize that there's a reason you broke up with this person and, despite everything, it's probably really super good that you two are not still together. You guys, my life has been so much better, so much more exciting and fulfilling since my break up with that guy. I can't even remember the person I was when I was with him. That's how much things have changed and it's always reassuring that, no matter what happens, things change and you're not going to feel like shit forever, ya know?

7. Remember what made them the "asshole ex".
Get kind of annoyed. Feel better that you're not with them anymore. Buy another drink.

8. Remember what it was like to see them naked.
Laugh to yourself. A lot. Remember how that one time he tried to get you to do that one thing and you were totally grossed out by it. Laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh.

9. Feel really good about yourself.
Because you managed to close that ugly chapter in your life and you're better off for it. Reward yourself by continuing to ignore their existence and the fact that, for a moment, you had to once again be under the same roof as them. This is the only appropriate response. You got through it, you champion.


  1. macy!! this is fucking hilarious

  2. Sweetie, the fact that you took the time to write this suggests you still have feelings for them. This anger you protrude, how you have to go public and let everyone know about your personal life, makes it more obvious that you still have feelings for them. There are two sides to every story.