THE PROS AND CONS OF BEING A GOLDDIGGER

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OH HAY THAR I AM TOTALLY FREAKING OUT THIS IS ME FREAKING OUT HEEEEYYYYYY.

Upon attempting to tackle the shitload of work I have to do (see above photo of me tackling the shitload of work I have to do), I began to panic because, hey, I'm a 20-something female trying to make it in this male driven world and at any given moment, shit might just hit the fan. So, naturally, I began to panic about shit hitting the fan and, as fate would have it, shit began to hit the fan and I messaged my parents furiously with something along the lines of:

"Hey! People who gave birth to me! Your offspring is panicking, call me ASAP otherwise I might just do something stupid! HELP! S.O.S! Send a team over!"

Five minutes later I get a skype call from my lovely parents. The only piece of advice my father was able to give me was this, "do what your mama did, marry someone rich."

Hold up. HOLD UP. Now, before you begin to judge my parents (which need you not, because I do it enough for the both of us), keep in mind that what my father suggested isn't necessarily all that bad, right? Like, he has a point kind of. After hanging up and judging myself severely for what I was now considering, I came up with this list here:

Pros of Marrying Someone Rich:
1. I could work for enjoyment rather than for money.
2. More holidays, am I right?
3. Not having to worry about my financial future.
4. I'll probably somehow manage to buy my way into hugging a sunbear.
5. If I marry right, I could buy my own island. George Clooney did it for one of his girlfriends, I don't see why I shouldn't be allowed to do the same (though, technically, there already is an island with my surname..).
6. If I ever got my face mauled by an angry dog, I could afford to get plastic surgery and come out looking like Angelina Jolie.
7. Let's face it, I'd probably be invited to Paris Hilton's place.
8. And Kanye would totally let me come to his wedding.
9. I could afford to have Justin Bieber and Taylor Swift assassinated.
10. I'd be one step closer to world domination, which is cool I guess.

Cons of Marrying Someone Rich:
1. At some point, I'd probably be expected to suck him off.
2. I'd probably have to sleep with him too.
3. Gross, he'd probably want me to have his babies.
4. There's a 90% chance he'll be super old, so I'll have to change his adult diapers or some shit (excuse the pun).
5. I'd have to talk to him.
6. I'd have to marry him.
7. I'd have to wait til he dies before I get anywhere near his fortune and that could take way too long.

Ugh, whatever. I'll just win the lottery.
Or, ya know, get a normal job like everyone else and earn a proper living. LAME.


3 comments:

  1. Or maybe he's gonna drop u back on em streets, and he's getting a new girl. And u didn't achieve shit. Then ur propably too old to do the same thing again. So better get a fucking job, or work ur body as hard as u can.

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    Replies
    1. being a golddigger is a full time job

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    2. ^ lol. Mention me!

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