I don’t think I’m ready for the real world just yet, I feel unskilled, unprepared and entirely clueless as to what it is adults do with their lives. Yet, here I am. I’ve gotta be an adult now (or something like that).
When I was a kid, I imagined this moment would come with some sense of continuity, as if I were simply taking the next step into the direction I wanted my life to go, but this? This feels absolutely nothing like that. It’s like trying to run a marathon after you’ve just learned how to walk, that’s what this feels like (though I’ve never run a marathon before, so I genuinely have 0% knowledge of how that shit feels). When I look at my life now and what I’ve done with it so far, I feel like there are a lot of things missing, like I somehow managed to skip that one important lecture on How To Be An Adult and now all of my peers are ahead of the game. How do people decide what to do with their lives? How do you know which direction is the right direction for you? How do I know if what I’m doing is totally not going to ruin my future? What do I even want for my future? I don’t know, I don’t know, God, I don’t know.
So, here’s the thing. I’m moving to Germany, that’s it. I’m not returning to New Zealand because I’m moving to Germany and I haven’t really thought it through, but I can’t stop now so there it is, there it is, I’m going, it’s happening.
I’m a bundle of nerves and worry and excitement. I have no real idea of what it is I want to do there, but New Zealand became comfortable in a way that was no longer conducive to the happiness I want for myself. I became too bored with everything, with what I was doing, every day became a day I had to kill in order to sleep and the scariest thing for me right now would be to realize that the life I’m living has come to a standstill with no hope of moving forward. I don’t want things to become pointless, because I want all this stuff, all this shit, I want it to mean something somewhere down the road, ya know?
I love New Zealand and all the wonderful people that made it a place to love. Thinking about how fortunate I am to have been raised in such a beautiful country, it makes my heart swell and I dread the days of homesickness that will inevitably follow my departure, but I’m not ready to stay, there’s this weird, awkward question mark lurking somewhere in the back of my mind and I know that I’m not going to find the answer to it here.
This is a strange way to say goodbye.
Maybe I'm not ready to let go of your hand just yet, NZ. Shit.