Last month I posted a rather cryptic video detailing my life in Germany lately and how things are changing around me in ways that I have found to be more overwhelming than I'm used to. What some of you didn't know back then, is that I had just been dealt a particularly difficult set of cards that I wasn't entirely sure I was ready to handle and I needed a way to restructure my brain in order to not have a total mental breakdown. Because my life has changed a lot, and it's continuing to change in frighteningly rapid fashion and I honestly didn't think I'd be saying this, but...
I'm pregnant. Over three months pregnant, actually.
a recreation of real-time events, by yours truly
To say I was "shocked" when I found out would be a massive understatement. I've been on the pill for years, I never missed one, I didn't throw up or have stomach problems. I did everything a woman could do while on contraception that she should do to avoid falling pregnant unexpectedly, but *phew*, I guess I'm just one in a million.
By the time I found out, I was already 5 weeks along. I took a pregnancy test off the suggestion of a close female friend. I didn't expect anything to come of it, because why should I have? I'll tell you right now, I've never had such an intense staring contest with two sets of blue lines before in my entire life. I didn't feel anything for what seemed like forever, it was a very numbing experience. I immediately contacted my sister and our conversation was essentially as follows:
"Mikee, I'm pregnant."
"OMG I'M SO PREGNANT WHAT THE HELL OMG."
"OOOOOH my god. What are you gonna do?!."
As you might've guessed, I have decided to keep the child. There's a lot I could say about this, but that would mean you'd be on the brink of reading a rather lengthy novel about unexpected pregnancy, which isn't what you're here for I'm guessing. So, I'll try to keep it short.
My decision to keep the child came as a surprise to me and Chris both, and has been one of the most difficult, most overwhelming decisions I've ever had to make in my adult life. It's almost as if my brain and my body got together and discussed how to best fuck up my life in the most efficient way possible. Between the headaches and the back pain and the nausea, I also had to deal with the stress of 1) not being able to convince myself to get an abortion (because I really wish I could have wanted that at the time), 2) the idea that my life was about to change in ways that are frightening and terrifying (and, yes, I know those two words mean the same thing) and 3) trying to comfort my partner who was equally, if not more, shit scared than I was. I could probably have taken a bath in the amount of tears I shed during those following weeks, but thank fuck for the friends I have here who kept me from caving in on myself. I truly, truly don't think I could've done this if it were not for the unbelievable amount of love and support they showed me and Chris during this time. No amount of gratitude will ever be enough to repay them for what they've done, and continue to do, to help.
Some time has passed since then and Chris and I have both settled into this new direction our lives are taking. While I deal with what seems to be never-ending back pain, Chris is trying his best to be as comforting and helpful as possible because my energy levels are almost non-existent and I've been reduced to a rather useless potato-human state. My belly has also popped now, so it's kinda of difficult hiding the pregnancy from people but I look forward to it growing so that I may use it as my own personal belly-table. It will be glorious.
Today Chris and I went to the doctor to find that our tiny little demon child has made it past the first trimester of pregnancy and is a healthy little bean, much to the delight of my ever-present-anxiety. I'm feeling excited (still overwhelmed, from time to time) and so full of love that it's almost enough to make me cry, and I do have myself a little cry every now and again coz what better way to experience the "beauty" of pregnancy but through ugly crying and cake eating?
So, humans, here's to a new chapter in my life. Uh, I mean our lives. And here's to my new little family, crazy as that sounds, and all the other crazy shit that I'm sure will come our way in the near future.
Omg. I'm pregnant.