9.14.2014

SOCIAL SEPTEMBER: WEEK TWO

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Week two of Social September has now come to an end (arguably it's still Sunday afternoon, so more could happen) and I am feeling particularly tired and dreading next week for reasons completely unrelated to Social September.

Monday:
Wake up feeling like death and stay in bed for hours longer than I had originally planned. My Crohn's was being a total bitch and I spent the entirety of my day watching movies on my laptop and getting very, very little work done. Later met up with a friend to play videogames and watch American Horror Story, but got sleepy way too easily and had a restless sleep due to my aching limbs.

Tuesday:
Did nothing on Tuesday except take my medication and eat pumpkin soup. Very glad that my Tuesday evening lesson got cancelled.

Wednesday:
Had a meeting at work in the afternoon and get given a whole bunch of classes to plan for. Supposed to have Salsa dancing lessons, but end up staying at home instead and have a couple of friends over. Feeling extra lethargic and generally under the weather. Crohn's continues to be a bitch. Praying to all the Gods in existence that the pain doesn't continue onto next week.

Thursday:
Wake up feeling much better than the days before. Went to the Viertel with Felix to grab some food with our friend Judith and then play some videogames later. Go to Burgerhaus and eat more food than I've ever had in a very long time. Walk around feeling like a gigantic human marshmallow. Felix goes to convenience store, comes out with alcohol (because Germany, am I right?). Hands me a "Kalte Muschi" because it reminds him of me (for English readers, that translates to "Cold Pussy"). Spend some time drinking in the fading sunshine by the river and I somehow manage to get tipsy. I suspect my medication and all forms of alcohol do not want to be friends in my body. Play scary videogames with Judith and Felix then meet up with my friend Matti to play even more scary videogames. Go to sleep and have no nightmares, which is A+.

Friday:
Wake up and have a productive afternoon with my flatmates. Sleepily go to work to get my afternoon lesson over and done with. Half way through the lesson I completely forget what I'm trying to teach - brain has turned into utter mush. Get home, take a shower, get dressed up and wait for Judith to arrive. Stranger sends me a picture of his dick with my name written on it and we collectively laugh at how fucking strange some people are (I mean, really, what the hell?!). Felix strikes up a conversation with a man who plays the Double Bass. We decide to head out for some drinks, end up going to Paddys for shots and beer, disappear sometime after that to go to The English Club, which was bizarre. Argue with the Irish bartender about All Blacks winning the previous Rugby World Cup. Shots were had, shots were fired (if every "blow job" involved Baileys, I imagine more girls would enjoy blowjobs). Try to go to Felix's favourite club and end up waiting for a train to pass for about half an hour and Judith and I are getting cold. Take a photo with many strangers, as per usual. End up back at Paddys where we drink with friends (Felix is particularly drunk at this stage), take photos in the Photo Booth and just get very drunk and tired.

Saturday:
Most of us are not as hungover as we thought we might be, which we are all very pleased about. Have friends over for brunch and cigarettes. Everyone is tired, but doing okay. Flatmates do lots of cleaning and unpacking and putting away of things. Go out to the park to soak up some sunshine. Judith comes over and I don't even remember what happened after that. I don't know, we did stuff I guess. Exhausted.

Sunday:
I slept in, tidied my desk, had a breakfast smoothie with Felix and now I'm blogging as a way to procrastinate from having to prepare my lessons for tomorrow. Early start tomorrow, have to go to Bremerhaven to teach at the Hochschule there. Boss Lady got mixed up with the material she gave me, so now I have nothing to work off and I have to make everything up, which is fine, I guess. Gonna try and be productive and I am very, very glad that I'm not currently hungover. Hallelujah!

Sooooo, yeaaaaaah. Less hectic than last week, but 60% more tiring due to my Crohn's being a whiney baby. Less than two weeks from now and my friend Leah will be coming to visit and shit is gonna get intense. Intensely tiring, intensely funny.


9.08.2014

SOCIAL SEPTEMBER: WEEK ONE

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At the end of last month, my flatmate and I made the decision to have a Social September. Within the month of September, he and I have agreed to do the following:

1. Go out at least 3 times a week.
2. Approach people who we would like to get to know, but would otherwise be too shy to talk to.
3. Try new things.
4. Say 'yes' to things which will not seriously harm our mental or physical health.

We have officially finished our first week of Social September and I am currently typing this in bed with the worst hangover I've had all year. Oh, to be young and stupid.

Monday:
Cloudy day, woke up feeling extremely lazy (though this has more to do with how lazy I am and nothing to do with the weather). Felix and I go into the city to run some errands then head off to the Viertel for burritos because burritos are delicious. Buy our flatmate's birthday present, meet up with friends in the evening. Felix wants to try Salsa dancing lessons and I agree to join him even though dancing goes against every fibre of my being. I am dreading it. No alcohol consumed.

Tuesday:
Felix and I go get Mexican food again and I eat less food and more chocolate mousse because chocolate mousse is the shit. I buy warm clothes because it's beginning to get chilly. Meet up with a friend in the evening to eat waffles and watch American Horror because waffles are delicious and I want to be made up of only sweet foods. No alcohol consumed.

Wednesday:
The flatmates and I head to the Viertel to check out second hand stores, get food and buy some questionable supplies. Two hours before our Salsa dancing lessons, Felix and I have shots because there's absolutely no way in hell I am going to be dancing without alcohol. I get drunk in record time (that time being well under 20 minutes). Felix and I hop onto the tram on the way to our dancing lessons and we are both laughing and talking loudly. Get to the class and the teacher never shows up, so we took Trampoline lessons instead. We were the only students, I laughed at everything, nearly fell on my face, had a good time. Jumping for 2 hours while intoxicated is tiring as hell. Beginner levels of alcohol consumed.

Thursday:
Wake up early for a meeting at work, come back home and take a nap. Felix is in the mood to do something, so we agree to meet up with a friend for some 'quiet drinks'. We end up at the Irish Pub, Paddys. Shots are consumed, far too many shots were consumed. Talked to a lot of people, went very red in the face, scored some free food by striking up a conversation with an old man who teaches Roma in Austria, and came across a German bartender who holds an uncanny resemblance to one of my flatmates from last year. Had a nap in the bathroom. Friend tries to play Cupid and sets me up with his gf's older brother. Finally made it home and ended up making music with Leon for a few hours. Medium to high levels of alcohol consumed.

Friday:
Wake up hungover, completing simple tasks at an alarmingly slow pace. Teach back to back lessons for 4 hours, finding it extremely difficult to concentrate on anything. Finally get home, take a shower and realise I'm still hungover as hell. Later meet a friend to hangout and continue doing things that involve getting very little sleep. No alcohol consumed, but many cups of coffee.

Saturday:
Tired from the night before and feeling like a zombie. Spend too long trying to convince my flatmate to get out of bed. Flatmates laugh at my detailed recollection of the previous night. Spend some time with our neighbours then I head to bed and sleep for two hours longer than I'm supposed to. Woke up starving, quickly grabbed some food then we made our way to a friend's bday celebration where we drank and smoked more than we expected. Friend surprises me with peanut butter m&ms and I think my brain is about to explode. Tried to play Fluffy Bunnies with cheese slices and failed miserably. Get home later than I thought. High levels of alcohol consumed.

Sunday:
Experiencing the worst hangover of the year so far and throw myself into the shower to get ready for the arrival of friends. We decided to host a Weißwurst Frühstück (literally translates to: white sausage breakfast, which sounds like the title of an 80s German porno). Everyone at the table is super hungover. We are still relatively hungover and trying to rest up as much as possible. Low levels of alcohol consumed (because you can't have a German breakfast without beer).

First week of Social September has been super fun, but also tiring. I feel like I've been hungover almost every single day, and I imagine it won't be so nice once I have to start working every day again. That being said, I have no real complaints about this week, because it's probably been one of the most exciting weeks I've had in a while. I also really want to have a nap right now.

Ciao, ciao x

8.25.2014

THOSE WHO WERE BULLETS TO US

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One day you realize that there are people you will never see again. At least, not in the same way. There’s some sort of tragedy in that.

They say that every lover you ever take keeps a part of you and that when you finally meet the person you’re supposed to be with, you will no longer have the whole of yourself left to give. And I thought of all the pieces that you must have of me and how, if we ever see each other again, whether you will give them back or if you will taunt me with them, flare them out like playing cards only to tuck them under each arm and disappear. That would be fair, all of these pieces, they will probably look like you anyway.

Here’s something I haven’t told you.

You were sleeping. I stretched my arm out in front of me, fingers splayed out across the canvas of your skin, careful not to touch or wake. My phone read 6:45am. If the days before were any indication, you would be sleeping for at least another three and a half hours. Your eyes moved back and forth behind delicate eyelids that whispered Sleep and Slumber. I looked at you and thought This Will Not Last. I knew that then, and I know it now. Our days were numbered.

I haven’t been eating properly for the past four weeks. My medication has been left untouched, hidden somewhere between letters I can’t read and truths I can’t swallow. In the shower, my hands pull at hair that doesn’t stay – this has always been the first sign of defeat. My stomach is gnawing at my spine, and it’s a welcome longing. My mother reminds me to be careful, she notices that my face is sinking and my eyes are dull. The distaste I have for myself has spread so much so that, when I meet people who have similar personality traits, I hate them like a habit. I am alone in a body that cannot love me.

You called me beautiful for the last time while I sat defeated on your bed, hands in my lap, tears in my eyes. You said, “you’re still beautiful, even when you’re crying”.

You only call me beautiful in memories now, and those memories claw at the back of my head, even when I try to drown them, sometimes especially then. Whatever we are now, I still remember what we were. I suppose it’s okay to miss the people who were bullets to you. Because there are a million different ways to bleed, but you are by far my favourite.

And now you've washed me from your sheets, swept me off your floor and kissed me into the lips of other willing hearts. I am, again, nothing to you. But there are no floods in the ocean, my love. Of course I am fine.

8.21.2014

GOOD TO ME

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My mornings are looking a lot nicer these days. Slowly getting used to that 7:30am alarm. Heading to work with my flatmate is something to look forward to - we're both so sleepy together on that early morning tram, and there's something sweetly comforting in that.

I'm alone in our flat for an entire week because my bastard flatmates have decided to ditch me for a music festival in Poland. I managed to finish all my work for the next 2 days, so now I have nothing to do and I'm kind of bored. Walking up and down stairs in only my underwear, because who the hell will see me anyway. Listening to the same song over and over and over again, because it's been stuck in my head for days and I can't get it out. So, yeah, that's my life right now. Quiet, cold, but still pleasant.

One of my bestfriends is coming to visit me in 34 days. It's her first time out of New Zealand. I'm scared she'll go missing along the way, but I'm super excited to see her. Honestly, every time I've been going through a rough time, seeing her makes it better. She just makes life good, ya know? I can't wait. Thirty-four days.

Every time my flatmates leave me for an extended period of time, they bring me back something. So far, they've brought me back plants, a bear, Dirty Dancing in German and, now, a 3D globe puzzle. I realise that they must think of me from time to time, in a, "hey! Macy might like that" kind of way. My flatmates make life less lonely, it's nice.

Honestly, I don't really know what I'm saying here. Life was good to me today, thank God.

8.20.2014

EARLY MORNINGS AND STAYING IN BED

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My flatmate tells me that it's supposed to still be Summer, and he says supposed to, because the past few days have been chilly and there's rain outside our windows every second afternoon.

I teach morning classes now, which means I've been getting less sleep than usual and find myself napping far too often during the day. In class, my students do their work and laugh to themselves when I accidentally say, "shit" or "fuck" or "goddamnit". Sometimes I daydream about home - wonder what my friends and family are doing, tell myself that I should write them, but never actually get around to it. So, hey! If you're reading this, I miss you guys, life is different and strange without you all. One of my students asks too many questions, and while I shouldn't hold this against her (she's only trying to learn, after all), my tired brain can't deal with it. I get the feeling she doesn't like to be wrong, and she's wrong a lot.

Come September, I'll be even busier teaching intensive and regular courses at the university. I'll be teaching kindergarten children four times a week, too. I'm told I need to sing songs to them and read them books.

My private students are much older than me, and sometimes I feel out of place, like, "how on earth is it that I'm teaching you?" I have one student, let's call him "M", who I see twice a week in the evenings and I think I must be some kind of makeshift therapist to him, because he spends the first half of the lesson telling me about how busy work is, how stressed he is, how he never gets a break. These rants used to be weird to me, but now I've come to enjoy them, because his English is getting better - he knows the words "subordinates", "executives", "responsibilities" now. He didn't know those words before.

I've also made a new friend. We watch tv shows together and talk about random shit. It's nice and, after a stressful and/or busy day, we can chill out and talk and it helps me forget about all the stuff that worries me. Last night we watched Miranda (a British comedy series) and laughed so much that my laughter sounded like crying to my flatmate in the other room.

This weather makes me feel like cuddling and laughing and not getting out of bed til after 1pm. But, ya know, life needs to be lived or whatever.

Hope you have all been well. If not, you know how to reach me.