An Open Letter To: Someone of Importance

Dear You,

It's been a while since we last met, and I am totally okay with that. I feel we've reached a stage in our friendship where real-life contact is unnecessary, which is surprising, because I was always under the impression that the minute you went back home would be the beginning of the eventual end to our contact. But, as fate would have it, that doesn't seem to be the case. Which is good, because I have a few things I want, and maybe need, to tell you.

I need to tell you how much you mean to me, I want you to know, because I don't think I've ever properly been able to convey the entirety of these feelings, despite the amount of times I've tried, and I feel it's important for me to do so. I feel like I need to tell you, because you deserve this much, so please be patient. I don't know how long this will take.

You probably don't realize this, but you stepped into my life at the exact moment you were supposed to. Between a painful breakup and having emotionless sex for the first time, you waltzed on in and took centre stage. I'm telling you this, because it's important, trust me, it's important. Because you caught me when I was really confused and I'm glad that you did because I can't think of another person who could have done what you did so well and so convincingly. Sometimes it scares me to imagine what someone else might have done with my fragile, fleeting heart if I had stumbled into them instead of you. People can be horrible, disgusting creatures most of the time and I'm not half as strong as I try to make myself out to be.

Thursday. 11th Oct.
"I don't need anyone to feel worthy. I don't need a boyfriend or a girlfriend, I just need to matter in a way that won't leave me feeling empty. So many things make me feel empty. So many people make me feel empty."

And the funny thing is, you don't have the faintest idea of how you've shaped my life. And you probably think I'm exaggerating when I say things like this. Because we've only been in each others lives for such a momentary amount of time, but these parts of me have lived a lifetime with those parts of you and something like this will probably never happen to me ever again.

Friday. 14th Dec.
"I've never experienced this before. To fall asleep in the arms of a new friend then to wake up in the arms of a long-time lover."

Thursday. 20th Dec.
".. I didn't say anything, maybe I kissed him, I can't remember. There was something in the way he said it, like he was admitting to something embarrassing. It's the only time I've seen him vulnerable. It might never happen again."

Thursday. 17th Jan.
"But what of my feelings? He wants to protect her, but thinks nothing of me. As if I'm some cold-hearted, statue-girl who can't be hurt. And if I don't want to be anyones victim, why do I feel like one?"

Friday. 18th Jan.
"I keep feeling as though I need to cry, but every time I stop and give myself a moment, I find that I can't."

Tuesday. 22nd Jan.
"... I decided in that exact moment that I never wanted to talk to him or see him ever again. He seemed upset, but I was drunk and I couldn't handle seeing him and _______ together anymore. Friends don't do this shit to each other."

Thursday. 24th Jan.
"How do I begin to explain the feeling of breaking up with someone you were never with? I can't cry, I can't scream, I just feel sick."

Saturday. 26th Jan.
"Affection is a funny thing."

It's a wonder how you were able to teach me an intimacy I had never before encountered. You were my first in many ways, and I don't know whether I should thank you or scold you for what you've done. Because now I lay in the wake of memories my skin can't seem to erase. The way you would look at me, the way you would hold me, the way you would press yourself into my quickening pulse, all of it. I never told you, but you were the first person to ever make me feel beautiful. Do you realize how important that is? This is something I will never be able to thank you for. Before you, I was giving myself to men who would point out my flaws until I couldn't ignore them anymore. Do you know what it's like to have someone kiss "you're not good enough" into your lips? It is a painful thing to try and tuck under your tongue.

And I was betrayed by you once, but I am thankful for that too. And I forgive you, I always will, maybe foolishly, but it's forgiveness all the same.

You are something to me, you are someone important, whether you accept that or not. There are parts and pieces of me, even the broken ones, which I have given you that I will likely never take back, I would never want to, and I am okay with this. I understand that they were a necessary sacrifice, I have learnt this. But I will tell you now that there are parts of you that I have kept for my own and I promise to keep these safe until memory has escaped me. They are the beginnings and endings of you and I that I would not give up for the world. Because I have seen the good of you and the bad of you and I choose both.

Wednesday. 27th March.
"I do not need to be in love with him to love him."

Perhaps one day I will have to try and explain to my future love who you are and why they should be thankful for what you are to me, despite the consequences, because it has happened that you have been cemented into my life and I am beyond the worlds of gratitude for what you have done. These stupid words and easy sentences, they are for you, because they are all that I have. I hope they are enough, even if I never was.

Always,
M.

p.s

Friday. 9th Nov.
"So that's definitely the first time I've ever said something so completely, disgustingly honest to an almost complete stranger. God, now I probably won't even be able to look at him. He'll think I'm a lunatic. Stupid, stupid Macy. It'll be interesting to see what happens at the party tonight. Half of me hopes that he'll avoid me for the entire night and half of me hopes that my life will get a little more exciting. Oh well, we'll see."

Why You Should Absolutely Not Date Me

Before you read any further, I would like to address the fact that I am on my third glass of wine to help get myself into a state of pleasant drunkenness in order to get my creative juices flowing (so to speak) and better illustrate the following points on why someone like you shouldn't date someone like me. Also, I swear I don't do this often, but the red wine was sitting in the fridge by itself and was literally calling my name and I didn't have the heart to say no. Oh, and if my parents are reading this... HI! Please continue to love me, despite my life choices. Cool, thanks.

Reasons Why You Shouldn't Date Me:

1. If you haven't read this, then read this.

2. 95% of the time, I will refuse to have morning sex with you. Because I hate morning sex. You're lazy, I'm sleepy, it's gross, don't touch me.

3. I will continue to talk about a problem until it is resolved. And I mean, I will talk about it constantly, so if you think you've escaped our serious discussion, think again. I will bring it up the second you get home.

4. That being said, I am also extremely stubborn and I hate to lose. You can see why this may pose as a problem.

5. Despite popular belief, I have some crippling self-esteem/self-image issues that will punch you in the face and leave you sore the next day. I will try my hardest not to project these onto you, but no promises. They will get the better of you and I, some days. I'm working on it, I swear.

6. If you didn't pick Bulbasaur as your starter Pokemon, then get the fuck out. I am judging you harshly.

7. I am a loud person and, even when I try, I have next to no volume control. This basically means that people will hear us having an argument (whether or not this is in public is your choice) and/or hear us having sex (whether or not this is in public is, however, my choice).

8. If you have somewhere to be in the morning, I will do everything in my power to make you stay in bed a little bit longer (and therefore make you late) and if you want to sleep in, I will do everything in my power to make you get up and do something. There is no real logic behind this and I will not apologize for my behavior.

9. No matter how much you may love and care for me, I will always think you don't. I basically think I am unworthy of you. Like I said, self-esteem issues, man. Sorry.

10. My mother will expect you to drive her everywhere, even though she is more than capable of doing so herself. You're her taxi and I have no control over this. Again, I am sorry.

11. I will write about you. It will be publicized. Be careful.

12. I have a disease which results in chronic pain and sometimes I will not be able to get out of bed because of it. I will expect you to bring me cheesecake when this happens.

13. No matter how much I love you, my sister will always come first. If you say anything bad about her, I will not hesitate to punch your ballsack so hard that you choke on them. Think about that for a second.

14. I do this weird thing with my legs when I sleep. I can't explain it, but I've been told it's weird and distracting. Woops.

15. If you don't like the song I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing by Aerosmith, then I pretty much hate you already and I don't want to date you. We can't even be friends.

16. If you're a cat person, I am judging you harshly.

17. If your bestfriend is a girl, I will constantly think that you're secretly in love with her no matter what you say. This may or may not go as far as me having nightmares about you running off and getting married to her on our (possible) wedding day. I will, however, still love her because she's your bestfriend and I respect that.

18. I cry in the shower for no reason, sometimes. I will also cry during movies, if someone shows me a sad photo, if I read a sad story, if I think you hate me, etc. But sometimes I cry a lot when I'm happy too, so there's that.

19. If you don't like bears, get the fuck out of my face. I hate you, I really hate you.

20. I have an intense fear of midgets and I will refuse to face this fear until the day I die.

So, yeah, 20 legit reasons why someone like you definitely should not date someone like me. There are literally a thousand more reasons why someone shouldn't date me, but who even has time for that? No one, that's who. Also, I am kind of drunk now. Classy as always.

Why Being Single Is Pretty Awesome (And Why You Should Enjoy It)

I don't know why people are under the misconception that everyone who is single must be fresh out of a relationship or on the lookout for one. The idea that a person cannot simply be content with being on their own is both ridiculous and naive. In my experience, being single can be just as awesome as it is to be in a relationship, and here are some of the reasons why I enjoy it:

Reasons Why Being Single Is Pretty Awesome:

1. From the second I get home to the minute I leave again, I pretty much never wear pants, unless someone is coming over.

2. Every once in a while I will lock myself in my room and go topless while eating shitty food and watch re-runs of The Office, Arrested Development and Seinfeld FOR AN ENTIRE FRIGGIN' WEEKEND.

3. You don't have to worry about looking a certain way for anyone but yourself.

4. The only thing in my fridge at the moment is leftover pizza, an apple and red wine and I don't give a FUCK.

5. Sometimes my room will get unbearably messy for a few weeks and I'm just, like, whatever.

6. Your bedsheets will stay cleaner for longer. Obviously.

7. More than half the time, I will use the same cup, fork and plate for days on end so I don't have to do any dishes. I don't even care how disgusting that might be.

8. A few days ago, I watched The Lion King and sang all the songs to my stuffed animals like a crazy person. I will never apologize for or regret this.

9. I can hangout with and talk to whoever I want without worrying about my girlfriend or boyfriend getting jealous. After spending years in a relationship with a jealous psychopath, this is the greatest form of freedom on the planet.

10. I am free from having awkward 'relationship' talks with my father who is inclined to thinking every boyfriend I've ever had (or will ever have) is a terrorist who is going to de-flower his daughter and burn down our family home.

11. Being alone can force you to learn some important lessons about who you are, who you want to be and who you want and deserve to be with. There are certain things you can only learn by being on your own. Do not underestimate this.

12. You can make out with or have sex with whoever you want, whenever you want, if you want.

13. "It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end." - Ernest Hemingway

14. Basically, you can do whatever you want, whenever you want. And freedom never did taste so good. Especially if 'freedom' is eating an entire block of chocolate on your own without thinking twice about it.

The key to being happy while being single is learning to be happy with where you are in your life right now and not wanting anything more for the moment. I mean, obviously it's slightly more complicated than that, but life can be easy and life can be good if you just stop worrying about everyone else and focus on yourself and what you want for your life, regardless of your relationship status. Because that's what being single is all about, really.

One day I might show this post to my future boyfriend or my future girlfriend and they'll give me a high-five and we'll laugh because we've had too much red wine and they'll think I'm awesome and I'll love them and cook them dinner and then we'll have sex on the kitchen floor or something. You know, all that lovey-dovey shit that I'm saving for later.

Bitter(sweet)

Will this destroy me and will it even matter? There's a longing inside of me and I can feel it crawling up into my chest. Because there are a thousand tender loves out there and I cannot begin to explain my own.

I wonder sometimes if you can hear it, this yearning that makes me choke and stumble on words. It's constantly raining in my head and I'm drowning in my thoughts because of it. But I risk it all, stealing glances and glimpses in the wake of better judgement, because this makes me feel more alive than I have felt in a while and I cannot bring myself to give it up. Even on the coldest nights, you manage to keep the chill from creeping its way into my arms and how wise would it truly be to let something like this slip through my fingers? Because they ache to be able to trace the outline of your jaw and feel the grin on your face widen. How curious it is that I hate the features on my face, but I would do anything to be able to run the tips of my fingers along every line and crevice of yours. And I'll say I'll Come Back For You, as if it were such an easy thing to do.

But it's not, is it? There is nothing easy about this and, perhaps, there will never be anything easy about this. Maybe we are destined to be together, alone, never quite touching, never quite loving. Never quite anything, ever. The past of Me and the past of You are laughing at us now, because they knew, I think, they always knew that it might be like this. Is there no satisfying ending to what we have found?

And it hurts because I've mistakenly given into the sweet sentiment; consumed by the empty wholeness of all that we are and all that we could be. My mind is prisoner to the hopeful creature which I place before you. She eats away at Logic and Reason and leaves smiles in places she shouldn't, this wild creature girl.

I could spend the rest of my life hiding my stubborn heart away if it meant I would not have to forget the way you look at me and smile. This scars my pride to admit, but I need to say the words, need you to understand and see that I have lost what little control I thought I had over my affections. You have not stolen my heart but, somehow, you managed to convince me to hand it over freely.

Let me know where this is going, wake me up from the sleep I've developed from lying under the stars and constellations in your gaze. Because this feeling is the beginning and end of all my thoughts. To wake up wanting to kiss you from across these oceans and knowing that every kiss might be a goodbye.

May(be)

I realized about 5 minutes ago that it's the beginning of a new month today, which goes to show how much attention I pay to my every day life. Regardless, I've quickly put compiled a list of goals (because I friggin' love making lists, okay?!) for this month. Whether or not I will stick to them is yet to be seen, but here's to hoping!

Goals for May:

1. Cut back my tumblr/facebook time. I spend about 80% of my time using these, which is pretty scary (and sad) when you really take a moment to think about that.
2. Avoid processed foods. Mostly because I live a two minute walk away from Pizza Hut and I live with 5 guys who are just as lazy as me and love to eat pizza, damnit. It's getting out of control, seriously.
3. Take my daily medication. Because I haven't been doing this for nearly 4 months straight and I'm pretty sure the consequences of this will be catching up with me some time in the near future. That is fucking terrifying.
4. Keep my room tidy. So. Difficult.
5. Study. I'm going to let you all know right now that I haven't done this in a solid 8+ weeks and I'm pretty sure that's a bad thing. I will be kicking myself later, trust me.
6. Save money. I'm going to Germany in less than 2 months and I will probably be spending my money carelessly over there. To be able to do this, I kind of need money first. Someone take my credit card off me..

Boom! Six goals, 31 days. I may or may not succeed at this, but we'll see.

Twenty Six Different Letters

It’s getting to the stage where the words are slowly disappearing from the dictionary in my mind. You’ve stolen my vocabulary and jumbled it up; stealing my vowels and consonants until all I am left with are half-way grins and flustered mouthings. You’ve replaced them with late nights and early mornings spent thinking of what it would be like to place my hand on your chest and feel your heart beat. And if I wanted to press my lips where your breath catches in your throat, would you let me?

Be the coldest water to my burning tongue. Because there is an unnamed language that sparks into existence at the precise moment our lips stop being lips and start being smiles. I have yet to decide which is worse; drowning beneath the waves which linger behind your eyes or to die from the thirst of wanting.

And I have used hours and days trying to fit my tongue around the sentences I want to say to you. But no combination of twenty-six different letters could ever capture even a sliver of what this feeling is. I try to understand it, try and grasp at its core and wrap my head around the edges, but I am left only with the smudges and stains, and they do not help me when I feel the eagerness of it all. This feeling, the way it has wrapped its arms around the thumping in my chest, it absolutely terrifies me. Because we are Stupid and we are Crazy and we will not stop, not yet, not when we’ve come this far. I suppose we are still reckless, careless teenagers in many ways. And I feel naïve and childish when I dwell on the unlikeliness of what we’ve found in each others presence.

I feel that we are safer where we are, these miles stretching out between us. They keep us safe from the aches and pains that come with growing up, with realizing that these feelings maybe have consequence. And I bite my lip and wonder whether we will face them together or alone. Because there is always a bitterness to things such as this, despite the tender hope of each passing day. I am fearful that I will become all too consumed by the warmth and promise of this indulgence. And then what? Tell me what I am supposed to do when all I want, all that could be, has an inevitable and visible end. This is the hurt and longing that plagues all of my goodbyes.

But maybe things will fall into place; maybe this will all make sense somehow. We haven't even gotten to the worst part yet. The sky is an ocean, after all, and we’ve been drowning our whole lives.

The Things We Actually Learn From University

1. Who you were and what you did in high school doesn't count for anything.
I know you probably thought that you were pretty cool (or not cool) back in high school, but when you enter uni, you kind of get to start fresh. More than half of the people you meet won't have the faintest idea of who you are and what you've done, which means you get a free pass to be whoever the hell it is you want to be. Just, like, don't be an asshole.

2. How to bullshit literally everything.
This includes, but is not limited to: essays, tests, relationships, CVs, friendships, levels of drunkenness, etc. You will find yourself over-committed and over-involved without any willingness to sacrifice your social life in order to finish those assignments you inconveniently left til the last minute. It is at this time that you will find yourself evolving into a Pokemon-bullshitting-master.

3. What it's like to date in the "real world".
If you're going to uni and you've moved outta home, you no longer have to worry about having your parents look over your shoulder every five seconds and you can stay the night without asking permission. However, if you still live with your parents at this stage and they still refuse to see you as a living, breathing, maturing human being... well, I feel bad for ya, son.

4. That you're essentially paying thousands of dollars for a piece of paper that may or may not get you a job, which may or may not help pay off your gigantic debt.
Sucks, doesn't it?

5. Alternative energy sources.
coffee every 4 hours, energy drinks, caffeine pills, etc. Bullshitting takes a lot of energy, people!

6. How to live off two-minute noodles and pasta for weeks on end.
We uni students have this fantastic ability to consume godly amounts of carbs with only minor consequences. This will not be the case when we turn 30 and realize that we can gain 5kgs just by looking at a KFC bucket of chicken. In a desperate attempt to feel the hungry hole in our hearts (and in our stomachs), we will find ways to eat the worst crap possible for the cheapest amount available.

7. The prices of the cheapest alcohol.
Because this is important shit to know.

8. The Three-B's of being poor: bills, budgeting, bargaining.
This is pretty self-explanatory if you're having to live off $50 a week.

9. Why the "real world" may not be all that fantastic.
And why you were a complete idiot for wanting to get out there faster. After uni you have to do all those adult things like get health insurance and buy a home and a car and be in healthy relationships and have a steady job. Or you don't do any of those things and just travel and pursue your dreams. The point is, whatever it is you choose to do afterwards, you actually have to do it once uni is over. And that can be pretty fucking terrifying.

The 10 Mistakes We Make When We're Drunk

A drunken 18 year old Macy, doing what she does best..
10 Mistakes We Make When We're Drunk:

1. Drunk txting.
Seriously, just put down your phone and pick up your drink. There are two people you txt when you're completely wasted: your ex and the person you want to sleep with. Neither of these options are very good for your future well-being and will result in a downward shame-spiral of a hangover the next day. I have done this on several occasions and it mostly makes me want to Ctrl + Alt + Delete my life.

2. Stealing drinks.
We've all done this and if you say that you haven't, then you're a liar. This is okay only if you don't get caught, because no body likes a thief and you don't want to end up being that person at a party who is too cheap to buy their own alcohol. Be a good person, don't do this (too often). Drunk people are seriously protective of their booze and if they catch you touching theirs, your night might not end so well.

3. Crying.
How or why you cry is completely dependent on just how drunk you are. It could happen because someone says something mean to you or it could happen with no provocation whatsoever ("WHY DO U HATE ME? NO, LIKE, IT'S FINE. I JUST WANT TO KNOW. JUST TELL ME, OKAY?!"). Either way, drunk-crying can be the absolute worst and it's best if you do it in the privacy of the nearest bathroom you can find, otherwise you're gonna end up looking like a total mess in front of everyone. If you feel like you're not having such a good day, it's probably best if you don't drink. Alcohol only makes it worse.

4. Spending lots of money.
There's something about alcohol that makes you feel like a superhero with the bank balance of Donald Trump. Your need to 'have a good time' far exceeds your need to pay next week's rent, so you'll fork out that extra dough so you can get your hands on another drink or some drive-through junk food. This is all fun and games until you check your bank account the next morning. Maybe offering to buy everyone drinks wasn't such a good idea after all.

5. Makeout/sleep with a stranger.
This is one of the most common mistakes our drunken genitalia makes, duh. All of a sudden we turn into weird, freaky animals who won't stop until our bodies are rubbing up against someone else's. And this person could be anyone. I mean, it's fine, but try and make sure this is someone who isn't gonna make you remember them for the rest of your life. If you know what I mean.

6. Falling asleep in places you shouldn't.
There's this certain level of drunkenness that you reach where, if you were to lay down or sit down for even a second, you will instantly fall asleep. Doing either is a terrible, terrible idea, especially if you're with friends who don't want to have to drag your sorry ass home. Falling asleep on the side of the road or in a public bathroom (which I am totally guilty of doing) isn't the best idea in the world and doing either will result in people staring at you strangely the next morning (like, what the hell is this girl doing in the bathroom half naked at 3 in the afternoon?!) or you'll be sore all over.

7. Having the last drink that sends you over the edge.
You know the one, you always know the one. That ONE DRINK that will result in either vomiting all over your best friend's mom's car or you'll end up going home, watching some tv and being only mildly hungover the next day. You can never quite predict how your night will end if you take this final drink, it's like a whole new adventure added onto your night. You will either have the worst night in all of history or you'll end your night in a state of semi-bliss.

8. Being dared to do something ridiculous and doing it.
This is pretty self-explanatory. Alcohol has the tendency to make us do things we wouldn't normally do sober and when you're dared to do something while drunk, there's a 90% chance you'll do it, consequences be damned. Go climb that tree and piss on your neighbors mailbox? OKAY! Go eat 30 tacos hanging upside down from a five-story building? SURE!

9. Have a serious or in-depth discussion with someone.
This may or may not be a secret you should NEVER EVER tell anyone, let alone a complete stranger, but alcohol loosens your tongue and makes you say things without thinking first. You might end up telling someone about your secret crush or you might tell them about that one time you shot someone in the face because they stole your doritos, I dunno. What I do know is that having these sorts of discussions can either be SUPER interesting and insightful or they can result in someone knowing more about you than they should.

10. Getting naked.
Okay, not EVERYONE does this, but there's always that token stripper at a party. Always. That guy who wants to take his shirt off or that girl who needs to show everyone her underwear. This just happens, it does, and there's no way to predict or prevent its occurrence. You've just gotta take it as it comes, excuse the pun.

I Have No Control

Things I've Done In The Past 3 Days That I Didn't Think Through:

1. Threw out a whole packet of biscuits because I didn't like the packaging.
I now really wish I hadn't done this because I really want biscuits, like, NOW.

2. Got a tattoo.
I haven't decided whether or not I should tell my parents or attempt to hide it from them for the rest of my life.

3. Cooked a lot of mushrooms and then threw them out.
I honestly have no excuse for this. It was a complete waste of time and money.

4. Unblocked everyone I had blocked on Facebook from previous years.
I did this because they were stalking me/being horrible people. This may or may not be a social experiment. Let the games begin!

5. Rang my mom at, like, 2am only so I could get mad at her and disappointed with myself.
Again... I have no excuse for this. It was especially cruel of me and I hope to never repeat this mistake. My mother is a lovely woman and I'm lucky that she puts up with my bullshit.

6. Bought a whole packet of biscuits that I didn't even really want.
Will you laugh at me if I told you it was because I liked the packaging?

That Time Macy Got A Tattoo

So, like, ya know how sometimes you just get really, really bored and you do impulsive things with very little thought to the consequences and possible disappointment and dismay of your parents? Yeah, well... thinking things through was never something I was particularly good at, apparently. Sorry, Mama and Papa

I got my first tattoo this afternoon by Nick at City of Ink in Christchurch, NZ. I highly recommend this place; an extremely relaxed atmosphere and hilarious conversation. Honestly, these guys were awesome. If you're anything like me and have a tendency to do impulsive shit, then check this place out. They can help you permanently regret your decisions, YAY!