It's been a while since we last met, and I am totally okay with that. I feel we've reached a stage in our friendship where real-life contact is unnecessary, which is surprising, because I was always under the impression that the minute you went back home would be the beginning of the eventual end to our contact. But, as fate would have it, that doesn't seem to be the case. Which is good, because I have a few things I want, and maybe need, to tell you.
I need to tell you how much you mean to me, I want you to know, because I don't think I've ever properly been able to convey the entirety of these feelings, despite the amount of times I've tried, and I feel it's important for me to do so. I feel like I need to tell you, because you deserve this much, so please be patient. I don't know how long this will take.
You probably don't realize this, but you stepped into my life at the exact moment you were supposed to. Between a painful breakup and having emotionless sex for the first time, you waltzed on in and took centre stage. I'm telling you this, because it's important, trust me, it's important. Because you caught me when I was really confused and I'm glad that you did because I can't think of another person who could have done what you did so well and so convincingly. Sometimes it scares me to imagine what someone else might have done with my fragile, fleeting heart if I had stumbled into them instead of you. People can be horrible, disgusting creatures most of the time and I'm not half as strong as I try to make myself out to be.
Thursday. 11th Oct.
"I don't need anyone to feel worthy. I don't need a boyfriend or a girlfriend, I just need to matter in a way that won't leave me feeling empty. So many things make me feel empty. So many people make me feel empty."
And the funny thing is, you don't have the faintest idea of how you've shaped my life. And you probably think I'm exaggerating when I say things like this. Because we've only been in each others lives for such a momentary amount of time, but these parts of me have lived a lifetime with those parts of you and something like this will probably never happen to me ever again.
Friday. 14th Dec.
"I've never experienced this before. To fall asleep in the arms of a new friend then to wake up in the arms of a long-time lover."
Thursday. 20th Dec.
".. I didn't say anything, maybe I kissed him, I can't remember. There was something in the way he said it, like he was admitting to something embarrassing. It's the only time I've seen him vulnerable. It might never happen again."
Thursday. 17th Jan.
"But what of my feelings? He wants to protect her, but thinks nothing of me. As if I'm some cold-hearted, statue-girl who can't be hurt. And if I don't want to be anyones victim, why do I feel like one?"
Friday. 18th Jan.
"I keep feeling as though I need to cry, but every time I stop and give myself a moment, I find that I can't."
Tuesday. 22nd Jan.
"... I decided in that exact moment that I never wanted to talk to him or see him ever again. He seemed upset, but I was drunk and I couldn't handle seeing him and _______ together anymore. Friends don't do this shit to each other."
Thursday. 24th Jan.
"How do I begin to explain the feeling of breaking up with someone you were never with? I can't cry, I can't scream, I just feel sick."
Saturday. 26th Jan.
"Affection is a funny thing."
It's a wonder how you were able to teach me an intimacy I had never before encountered. You were my first in many ways, and I don't know whether I should thank you or scold you for what you've done. Because now I lay in the wake of memories my skin can't seem to erase. The way you would look at me, the way you would hold me, the way you would press yourself into my quickening pulse, all of it. I never told you, but you were the first person to ever make me feel beautiful. Do you realize how important that is? This is something I will never be able to thank you for. Before you, I was giving myself to men who would point out my flaws until I couldn't ignore them anymore. Do you know what it's like to have someone kiss "you're not good enough" into your lips? It is a painful thing to try and tuck under your tongue.
And I was betrayed by you once, but I am thankful for that too. And I forgive you, I always will, maybe foolishly, but it's forgiveness all the same.
You are something to me, you are someone important, whether you accept that or not. There are parts and pieces of me, even the broken ones, which I have given you that I will likely never take back, I would never want to, and I am okay with this. I understand that they were a necessary sacrifice, I have learnt this. But I will tell you now that there are parts of you that I have kept for my own and I promise to keep these safe until memory has escaped me. They are the beginnings and endings of you and I that I would not give up for the world. Because I have seen the good of you and the bad of you and I choose both.
Wednesday. 27th March.
"I do not need to be in love with him to love him."
Perhaps one day I will have to try and explain to my future love who you are and why they should be thankful for what you are to me, despite the consequences, because it has happened that you have been cemented into my life and I am beyond the worlds of gratitude for what you have done. These stupid words and easy sentences, they are for you, because they are all that I have. I hope they are enough, even if I never was.
Friday. 9th Nov.
"So that's definitely the first time I've ever said something so completely, disgustingly honest to an almost complete stranger. God, now I probably won't even be able to look at him. He'll think I'm a lunatic. Stupid, stupid Macy. It'll be interesting to see what happens at the party tonight. Half of me hopes that he'll avoid me for the entire night and half of me hopes that my life will get a little more exciting. Oh well, we'll see."